A discussion of the tension between internal inquiry and external production in art-making
Written by 2nd year MFA Candidate, Jennifer Buehner-Varley.
In earnest, this semester I was working on refinement: distillation of ideas, themes, project scopes, and timelines. The end of the MFA is in sight and my own ambition in becoming clearer. My ambition is something I have never acknowledged. So for this writing, I let out the fledgling reporter from my mind to write this self-interview, which is a bit of naval-gazing but crucial to my development as an artist.
Recently I’ve acknowledged a few things about the way I have been generating art and how that fits with my self-perception and desire.
It may or may not be accurate but my distraction has become quite apparent in my new field of being an artist. This, to be clear, is a realization emphasized in my life without the bowling lanes of ‘must-dos’ of parenting and household upkeep that I used to become busy with.
I used to refer to attention issues as “serial interest”, like a Renaissance of being in love with many things.
Now, I am thinking that I just bore easily and this needs to be considered when I ask myself, how will and do I make art?
In my genesis, or continued path as an artist, my interests are swift. They can vary wildly. However, continued threads of feminism and guardianship of children are major backbones. These themes intertwine with my interests which shows visually in my art.
My ideas are succinct, my ability to assess their feasibility is solid. Too many ideas are also present in my mind and attention to all these inspirations is not matching yet.
This distraction, it is a real thing, and I experience it.
I cannot understand if the distraction is a result of my own resistance or a genuine inability to do “the hard things — spending the time to flush out and refine the fun things my mind creates.
Is this a serious crisis, no. Do I have thoughts about it being a serious crisis, yes.
When considering distraction in the age of focus, timelines, and art-making, I need to be really enchanted by an idea and sick of doing annoying things to go make artwork. Now, I admit longing and grumpiness form if I go too long without painting. I can and will work for hours when finally seated.
I have been experimenting this semester with more inner-workings, watching my mind function in its new role as an artist. I have allowed and named the times I was resistant, purposefully sought distraction, and felt the calling comforts of my old life and patterns. The art-making has seemed at times to take a second seat to this exploration of shifts in self-perception as I confront what an artist’s agenda looks like for myself.
I am now in the process of suspending judgment about what is boring or hard, good or bad. I am focusing on tracking myself so that I can continue to make subtle adjustments to my attention span.
I want to continue to assess, grow, and develop my abilities while accepting some of the tension between creating and contemplating, focusing and diversifying in the process of art-making.
